My Narcissistic Christmas was spent alone.
Alone.
I was an idiot and a few weeks ago. I added my younger sibling - the Golden Child - as a FaceBook friend. My younger sibling is potentially clueless about my prior horrific treatment since we grew up a decade or so apart. Golden Child - whom, I will refer to as Lordon, is about 30, and still lives at home. Fully supported. Good for Lordon.
Lordon accepted my friend request and that was it. Perfect. So far so good. But then the rabid Step-thing sent me a friend request, and that plunged me into the depths of despair, through a mental trajectory that was impossible to stop as I moved further and further into a darkened depressed emotional state of numbness.
I had been no contact since 2013, ... and here it was, the Narcissist who told me to "give it up" when the Narcissist thought I was pursuing a relationship with my biological parent, to whom it was married. The Step-Thing had me thrown out of my house the day after I graduated from high school and blamed me for the narcissistic abuse vented daily towards me.
Move back into 2015 - it wasn't yet Christmas eve, so I foolishly added her as a friend, and watched as I went from friend who could see her entire page, etc, to placed on the restricted list, with views only the public could see. Restricted means you should just unfriend the person because you might have even less access than the general public, so there is zero point in having that person added into your account ...
I placed her into restricted mode, ... again, what is the point. Thankfully I had just completely scrubbed my account, deleting everything. Weird how I had just finished deleting everything - through an app - and, she appears in my friend request list. Welcome to my blank account.
So, what happens next, she sends me a one sentence message stating she is in remission. No, hi how are you, what have you been up to, etc. WTF? Even a stranger asks how someone is doing ... So ... I responded, mentioning I had not heard the Step-Thing had been sick and that I hoped all was doing well.
But ... I was right back to where I was before I went no contact - doubting my perspective, and thinking that, I had been wrong, and that everything was my fault - I was the person with the problems ... and, even though the FOO is the only group of people whom I have difficulties - I knew at that point that I was the problem.
It took me until the next morning to remember that I only have issues with narcissists, and in my family, there are a few - my biological parents, and the Step-thing. Both biological parents are attracted to narcissists, and could care less about me.
So, my story is similar to everyone out in the narcissistic abuse world - the FOO could give a shit about me, but insist that no relationship exists because [insert excuse aimed at me here]. No matter what or how I changed to adjust to their ever shifting rules, it was never enough to satisfy the rules, requirements and parameters of the dangling carrot of a "relationship."
My despair messed with my No Contact thinking, and quickly reverted back to how I usually interact with douchebags - I was going to ask if she needed help with her Christmas celebrations, favours, preparations, shopping, etc., thereby placing my need for no contact aside.
Somehow, I stopped myself. Why would she need my help, when she had endless financial resources, a golden child who lived in the house, and one of my biological parents who financed everything. I forced myself out of helper mode. That. Was. So. Difficult.
In response to the remission message, I wished the Step-Thing a happy and healthy holiday and said I was sure she was surrounded by plenty of friends and family to enjoy the holidays. Two days later, the Step-Thing write that it was spending a quiet Christmas with the spouse, Golden Child Lordon and Lordon's significant other. A total of 3 + Step-Thing ...
By the time it had responded with whom it was celebrating Christmas, I had thankfully reached a point of indifference. Thank goodness. But, I had to stop old thinking habits, to centre my thoughts, and respond to it, as one should respond to a distant friend - and not be baited into writing offerings, that would, in the end, hurt me.
I was able to keep it generic and uninteresting.
But, the Step-Thing closed with "I love you."
WTF
If it loved me ... it would not have continued abusing, projecting, slandering, etc., me. Writing a four lined FaceBook message with that closing line, after the Step-Thing worked very hard to erase me from my original family of origin ... is a mindfuck.
So I responded with one small icon - a heart emoticon. <3 p="">
And I deleted that "conversation" from my Facebook account, and made sure, on Facebook, the Step-Thing was buried inside my restricted list, and proceeded to add generic new posts with location tags of another country.
*Ding* - The Facebook alerts notified me that someone responded one of the generic posts - the Step-Thing wrote - "you're in [foreign country]? Enjoy!
I was 30 minutes away, and she wrote, that she believed I was out of the country.
That works for me. Thankfully her communication fizzled to nothing. She hasn't messaged me, to ask the usual questions, one would ask, if a family member was out of the country.
I'm okay now - it's Saturday December 26, 2015, and it's finished. The holiday season is finished and I got through it without seeing or speaking with anyone in my family, and it is wonderful. Facebook is contained to generic restrictions, with posts about reindeer movies, all of which have any comments or likes removed for privacy ...
I will be back in a few hours to write more, because ... I should have started writing at the onset of this crap ... Is there anyone out there who had a Christmas experience that was narcissistic and yucky? I am betting there are a lot of stories ... sigh.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Saturday, July 4, 2015
WOW. It's a Narc World, and We Must Live in It.
So. The holidays have come and gone, and here in the U.S., we have another upon us - the Fourth of July. This holiday I usually enjoy, yet this Fourth of July, I kept remembering my last 4th spent with my mother and siblings.
I have no idea why I remember this particular 4th of July. Perhaps because it was one of the more normal - as in a non-Narc - holidays spent with my mother and siblings. Who knows why I remember it so vividly. We were all in Connecticut, enjoying the week long vacation at her home. From what I remember we actually enjoyed our stay ... oddly, I do not remember my mother at all, except for one particular dinner served on the patio - at least, not as much as I remember my siblings in the memories and the feeling of a quiet, pleasant home.
Why it seemed normal, I have no idea. But it was years ago, which is sad ... the memory was from YEARS ago - from the summer of 1999 or 2000. That is a lifetime ago ... but, nothing major happened. There was no fighting, no bickering and no gaslighting.
So, the point of writing the aforementioned is ... NM are awful creatures, and will never change, but, there might exist, perhaps one or two good memories, which we can remember as "good." Those who come from similar families, will be able to perhaps identify with this - we have few good memories which we can remember, and tend to hold onto the few good memories we might have ...
How sad. A memory from 15 years ago, is what I am thankful to remember.
I am not expecting for there to be other, future, good memories onto which I will be able to hold. But, I knew, as it was taking place, that our week long stay at her house would be something I would be able to remember as a good memory. And so it stays.
Remember, Don't let the good memories convince you that Narcs will change. They do not and will not. But, at least hold onto the one or two good memories which you have.
Thought - perhaps that 4th of July week in the year 2000 was pleasant because my brother in law was staying in the house. There was someone other than my sisters, in the house, to impress. There is also, one other pleasant memory in which the same group stayed together during a summer holiday - on Nantucket Island. My brother in law was also present. So, he could have been the determining factor of pleasant vs. unpleasant.
More en route - Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am emerging out from under another abusive narcissist who was my landlord; my friends tell me that he enjoyed toying with me psychologically. I must admit, these people tend to come in groups, or all at once. And, if it wasn't for other blogs - I would have never survived under the weight of their awful, disgusting psychological games; I would never have learned thetruth about these sick, twisted, consciousless beings.
Happy 4th of July. Stay strong, and keep reading these blogs. They have helped me so very much.
I have no idea why I remember this particular 4th of July. Perhaps because it was one of the more normal - as in a non-Narc - holidays spent with my mother and siblings. Who knows why I remember it so vividly. We were all in Connecticut, enjoying the week long vacation at her home. From what I remember we actually enjoyed our stay ... oddly, I do not remember my mother at all, except for one particular dinner served on the patio - at least, not as much as I remember my siblings in the memories and the feeling of a quiet, pleasant home.
Why it seemed normal, I have no idea. But it was years ago, which is sad ... the memory was from YEARS ago - from the summer of 1999 or 2000. That is a lifetime ago ... but, nothing major happened. There was no fighting, no bickering and no gaslighting.
So, the point of writing the aforementioned is ... NM are awful creatures, and will never change, but, there might exist, perhaps one or two good memories, which we can remember as "good." Those who come from similar families, will be able to perhaps identify with this - we have few good memories which we can remember, and tend to hold onto the few good memories we might have ...
How sad. A memory from 15 years ago, is what I am thankful to remember.
I am not expecting for there to be other, future, good memories onto which I will be able to hold. But, I knew, as it was taking place, that our week long stay at her house would be something I would be able to remember as a good memory. And so it stays.
Remember, Don't let the good memories convince you that Narcs will change. They do not and will not. But, at least hold onto the one or two good memories which you have.
Thought - perhaps that 4th of July week in the year 2000 was pleasant because my brother in law was staying in the house. There was someone other than my sisters, in the house, to impress. There is also, one other pleasant memory in which the same group stayed together during a summer holiday - on Nantucket Island. My brother in law was also present. So, he could have been the determining factor of pleasant vs. unpleasant.
More en route - Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am emerging out from under another abusive narcissist who was my landlord; my friends tell me that he enjoyed toying with me psychologically. I must admit, these people tend to come in groups, or all at once. And, if it wasn't for other blogs - I would have never survived under the weight of their awful, disgusting psychological games; I would never have learned thetruth about these sick, twisted, consciousless beings.
Happy 4th of July. Stay strong, and keep reading these blogs. They have helped me so very much.
Friday, December 26, 2014
What is a Narcissist
A Narcissist is someone who works very hard to destroy other people's lives. A vampire of sorts. A charming, beautifully likable person who is your best friend, yet unbeknownst, your worst enemy.
No, Narcissists won't disclose they're narcissists. They're not easily spotted by intelligent, normal, average people. Narcissists are cunning and calculating. They lure sympathetic people into their world through staged concern.
They're worried about their children, but fail to speak to them directly. They have a question, only you can answer. They have a problem, only you can solve. They want to help without directly helping; they want you to help, for them instead. It's a ruse. A ploy. A scam. To hurt you or another.
Narcissists are your best worst enemy on their best day.
Yup. Narcissists don't use Google. Nope. They seek your help to solve problems for them. Huh? Confused. Good. Narcissists thrive on confusion.
For even more descriptions, view the blogs listed on the right ====>, written by others who have posted more pages about their Narcissistic Mother experiences.
More later.
No, Narcissists won't disclose they're narcissists. They're not easily spotted by intelligent, normal, average people. Narcissists are cunning and calculating. They lure sympathetic people into their world through staged concern.
They're worried about their children, but fail to speak to them directly. They have a question, only you can answer. They have a problem, only you can solve. They want to help without directly helping; they want you to help, for them instead. It's a ruse. A ploy. A scam. To hurt you or another.
Narcissists are your best worst enemy on their best day.
Yup. Narcissists don't use Google. Nope. They seek your help to solve problems for them. Huh? Confused. Good. Narcissists thrive on confusion.
For even more descriptions, view the blogs listed on the right ====>, written by others who have posted more pages about their Narcissistic Mother experiences.
More later.
Narcissist Christmas Holiday
Christmas is the perfect time of year for Narcissistic Mothers (NM) to ruin your happy, festive, gathering. No, Narcissistic Mothers are incapable of letting anyone experience a normal Christmas.
Not that anyone has a perfect holiday. Or maybe that's just my family, and everyone has the picture perfect Christmas we see in advertisements that blip across screens.
Newp. Not possible in my household. She started with her usual changing of plans EVERY day, that started well before my arrival. The news shifted from "She's coming for Christmas" to "She's not coming for Christmas." She was the center of attention before she arrived. Or didn't arrive.
Whatever. Same old story. T'was a few nights before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a louse. I was spending Christmas with lots of family, and NM was going to arrive in a few days. Christmas Eve I believe, or not, or yes. You get the point it would be the 20th. 21st. 22nd. 23rd. 24th.
Before Narcissistic Mother arrived, she contacted me EVERY DAY since my arrival to tell me I needed to purchase more gifts! Gifts for strangers, to be exact, who were "going to be there."
WTF?
For strangers?
"Because they have purchased gifts for you."
Strangers, had purchased gifts for me? I was okay with that - but, not with the last minute notice from her. So I asked, from where she learned this brand new information? No source. She just knew. Like she is fcuking Santa Clause's helper. Really?
Must. Buy. More. Gifts.
Every Christmas, my Narcissistic Mother would pressure me into buying gifts, gifts and more gifts. This particular year, strangers had purchased gifts for me, so, of course I needed to buy more.
This continued for three days. I stopped responding on day four. I was tired of her asking EVERY DAY if I had purchased a gift for so-and-so.
"For Whom?"
"So and so, the distant neighbor of your uncle from three generations ago who purchased a gift for you. So-and-other-so told me."
"Who are these people again"
"People who bought gifts for you."
Of course, I've never met these people ... and I didn't bring mental stamina to purchase $500 worth of unplanned gifts.
I had already purchased, wrapped and placed under the Christmas tree presents for everyone in the family. Newp. Not enough.
Wait a second. Idea! Could I possibly re-gift a Strangers gift to me? You know, the ole, thanks for the scarf Mr. Stranger. Look-e-that, I purchased the EXACT SAME gift for you! What a coincidence.
Probably wouldn't work, but I was seriously contemplating it. I even though of gifting some plastic Tupperware that arrived from the take-out Chinese food-place. Talk about desperate.
Newp. That might not be such a great idea, so, i tried to think of another plan. There was a cat nearby.
Okay. I was stressed and didn't know what to do. Such drama in my head placed there by Narcissistic mother. Such stress and buildup for lies. Yup. Not true. Not one of the strangers mentioned by my mother saw me over the entire Christmas holiday. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Not one of the strangers for whom she berated me to purchase gifts appeared in town for Christmas. Not. One. Nobody. Zippo. Nada. Fabricated.
WTF.
Of course, she denied ever having instructed me to purchase extra gifts. Denied all contacts with me about what gifts to purchase for whom-strangers. She DENIED everything. I was imagining everything.
Um. It's called technology. And, yes. There's proof. WTF.
Fast forward a few days into her arrival, and all of the alcoholics in the family gather to drink outside, in the heated, unattached garage, out of hearing and sight of the house, leaving two kids (a 3 yr. old and a 6 yr. old) to fend for themselves in a hot kitchen. Yup. kiddies were cooking when I meandered downstairs.
Six adults were drinking in a garage, and not one adult in the house was awake, nor aware, there were kids cooking in the kitchen. As if it's a normal activity: kids dinner cooking on a hot stove. I walked into the kitchen as the 3 yr. old was deftly navigating towards the stove with the nifty slide-a-chair up to the counter-top move. He seemed quite accustomed to this, maybe he's a really good cook - WTF. Still asleep and not thinking straight. Yikes. I stopped that hot mess.
Rewind 60 minutes before I found the kids opening and closing the oven doors.
I had been reading a book with a third child upstairs, when we both noticed the alcoholic Narcissitic Mother sneaking downstairs. Odd behavior, as if she was "playing hide and seek," the child asked. "Or, trying to avoid being heard walking down stairs" I thought. Weird.
Child: "She's mean."
Me: "Who"
Child: "Her"
That was my Narcissistic Mother's ghostly image to which she was pointing. I was speechless. And, continued reading after winking at her and saying, "Stay away from mean people."
Anyhoo, eventually, I wander downstairs into the kitchen to see two kids, cooking. Something hot and bubbly.
Me: "Whatcha doing"
Kids: "Cooking dinner"
WTF.
I looked all over the house for any adult. Just. Wanted one adult, anywhere. Newp. Oh, wait I was an adult. "Stop for a few seconds."
Kids: "We do this all the time."
Me: "really?"
Kids: "All the time."
Me: "Not comfortable with tiny people cooking hot water."
Kids: "We're fine."
Me: "Where's your mother"
Kids: "In the garage"
Me: "Going to get her."
Just like the kids said, I found all 6 of them sitting in a circle, drinking beer in the garage. Asshats.
Me: "Really?"
Me: "You're drinking while your kids are playing "Easy Bake Oven" with a hot boiling stove.
Me: "Nice. really, Nice. NOT NORMAL people. Seriously, party's over NOW."
I'm the youngest of the adults, and these Ass-hats actually hesitated. Boo-fcuking hoo. I was crashing their fucking circle fest.
Reminded me of the neglect experienced during my childhood from a mother who took home plenty of cash in alimony to pay for a nice living in a wealthy town, yet of course, she eventually drank away her spoils.
TRIGGER. I was pissed.
WTF. More later.
Not that anyone has a perfect holiday. Or maybe that's just my family, and everyone has the picture perfect Christmas we see in advertisements that blip across screens.
Newp. Not possible in my household. She started with her usual changing of plans EVERY day, that started well before my arrival. The news shifted from "She's coming for Christmas" to "She's not coming for Christmas." She was the center of attention before she arrived. Or didn't arrive.
Whatever. Same old story. T'was a few nights before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a louse. I was spending Christmas with lots of family, and NM was going to arrive in a few days. Christmas Eve I believe, or not, or yes. You get the point it would be the 20th. 21st. 22nd. 23rd. 24th.
Before Narcissistic Mother arrived, she contacted me EVERY DAY since my arrival to tell me I needed to purchase more gifts! Gifts for strangers, to be exact, who were "going to be there."
WTF?
For strangers?
"Because they have purchased gifts for you."
Strangers, had purchased gifts for me? I was okay with that - but, not with the last minute notice from her. So I asked, from where she learned this brand new information? No source. She just knew. Like she is fcuking Santa Clause's helper. Really?
Must. Buy. More. Gifts.
Every Christmas, my Narcissistic Mother would pressure me into buying gifts, gifts and more gifts. This particular year, strangers had purchased gifts for me, so, of course I needed to buy more.
This continued for three days. I stopped responding on day four. I was tired of her asking EVERY DAY if I had purchased a gift for so-and-so.
"For Whom?"
"So and so, the distant neighbor of your uncle from three generations ago who purchased a gift for you. So-and-other-so told me."
"Who are these people again"
"People who bought gifts for you."
Of course, I've never met these people ... and I didn't bring mental stamina to purchase $500 worth of unplanned gifts.
I had already purchased, wrapped and placed under the Christmas tree presents for everyone in the family. Newp. Not enough.
Wait a second. Idea! Could I possibly re-gift a Strangers gift to me? You know, the ole, thanks for the scarf Mr. Stranger. Look-e-that, I purchased the EXACT SAME gift for you! What a coincidence.
Probably wouldn't work, but I was seriously contemplating it. I even though of gifting some plastic Tupperware that arrived from the take-out Chinese food-place. Talk about desperate.
Newp. That might not be such a great idea, so, i tried to think of another plan. There was a cat nearby.
Okay. I was stressed and didn't know what to do. Such drama in my head placed there by Narcissistic mother. Such stress and buildup for lies. Yup. Not true. Not one of the strangers mentioned by my mother saw me over the entire Christmas holiday. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Not one of the strangers for whom she berated me to purchase gifts appeared in town for Christmas. Not. One. Nobody. Zippo. Nada. Fabricated.
WTF.
Of course, she denied ever having instructed me to purchase extra gifts. Denied all contacts with me about what gifts to purchase for whom-strangers. She DENIED everything. I was imagining everything.
Um. It's called technology. And, yes. There's proof. WTF.
Fast forward a few days into her arrival, and all of the alcoholics in the family gather to drink outside, in the heated, unattached garage, out of hearing and sight of the house, leaving two kids (a 3 yr. old and a 6 yr. old) to fend for themselves in a hot kitchen. Yup. kiddies were cooking when I meandered downstairs.
Six adults were drinking in a garage, and not one adult in the house was awake, nor aware, there were kids cooking in the kitchen. As if it's a normal activity: kids dinner cooking on a hot stove. I walked into the kitchen as the 3 yr. old was deftly navigating towards the stove with the nifty slide-a-chair up to the counter-top move. He seemed quite accustomed to this, maybe he's a really good cook - WTF. Still asleep and not thinking straight. Yikes. I stopped that hot mess.
Rewind 60 minutes before I found the kids opening and closing the oven doors.
I had been reading a book with a third child upstairs, when we both noticed the alcoholic Narcissitic Mother sneaking downstairs. Odd behavior, as if she was "playing hide and seek," the child asked. "Or, trying to avoid being heard walking down stairs" I thought. Weird.
Child: "She's mean."
Me: "Who"
Child: "Her"
That was my Narcissistic Mother's ghostly image to which she was pointing. I was speechless. And, continued reading after winking at her and saying, "Stay away from mean people."
Anyhoo, eventually, I wander downstairs into the kitchen to see two kids, cooking. Something hot and bubbly.
Me: "Whatcha doing"
Kids: "Cooking dinner"
WTF.
I looked all over the house for any adult. Just. Wanted one adult, anywhere. Newp. Oh, wait I was an adult. "Stop for a few seconds."
Kids: "We do this all the time."
Me: "really?"
Kids: "All the time."
Me: "Not comfortable with tiny people cooking hot water."
Kids: "We're fine."
Me: "Where's your mother"
Kids: "In the garage"
Me: "Going to get her."
Just like the kids said, I found all 6 of them sitting in a circle, drinking beer in the garage. Asshats.
Me: "Really?"
Me: "You're drinking while your kids are playing "Easy Bake Oven" with a hot boiling stove.
Me: "Nice. really, Nice. NOT NORMAL people. Seriously, party's over NOW."
I'm the youngest of the adults, and these Ass-hats actually hesitated. Boo-fcuking hoo. I was crashing their fucking circle fest.
Reminded me of the neglect experienced during my childhood from a mother who took home plenty of cash in alimony to pay for a nice living in a wealthy town, yet of course, she eventually drank away her spoils.
TRIGGER. I was pissed.
WTF. More later.
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