Saturday, December 26, 2015

Narcissist Christmas Narcissistic Holiday Narc ... Hell

My Narcissistic Christmas was spent alone.


I was an idiot and a few weeks ago. I added my younger sibling - the Golden Child - as a FaceBook friend. My younger sibling is potentially clueless about my prior horrific treatment since we grew up a decade or so apart. Golden Child - whom, I will refer to as Lordon, is about 30, and still lives at home. Fully supported. Good for Lordon.

Lordon accepted my friend request and that was it. Perfect. So far so good. But then the rabid Step-thing sent me a friend request, and that plunged me into the depths of despair, through a mental trajectory that was impossible to stop as I moved further and further into a darkened depressed emotional state of numbness.

I had been no contact since 2013, ... and here it was, the Narcissist who told me to "give it up" when the Narcissist thought I was pursuing a relationship with my biological parent, to whom it was married. The Step-Thing had me thrown out of my house the day after I graduated from high school and blamed me for the narcissistic abuse vented daily towards me.

Move back into 2015 -  it wasn't yet Christmas eve, so I foolishly added her as a friend, and watched as I went from friend who could see her entire page, etc, to placed on the restricted list, with views only the public could see. Restricted means you should just unfriend the person because you might have even less access than the general public, so there is zero point in having that person added into your account ...

I placed her into restricted mode, ... again, what is the point. Thankfully I had just completely scrubbed my account, deleting everything. Weird how I had just finished deleting everything - through an app - and, she appears in my friend request list. Welcome to my blank account.

So, what happens next, she sends me a one sentence message stating she is in remission. No, hi how are you, what have you been up to, etc. WTF? Even a stranger asks how someone is doing ... So ... I responded, mentioning I had not heard the Step-Thing had been sick and that I hoped all was doing well.

But ... I was right back to where I was before I went no contact - doubting my perspective, and thinking that, I had been wrong, and that everything was my fault - I was the person with the problems ... and, even though the FOO is the only group of people whom I have difficulties - I knew at that point that I was the problem.

It took me until the next morning to remember that I only have issues with narcissists, and in my family, there are a few - my biological parents,  and the Step-thing. Both biological parents are attracted to narcissists, and could care less about me.

So, my story is similar to everyone out in the narcissistic abuse world - the FOO could give a shit about me, but insist that no relationship exists because [insert excuse aimed at me here]. No matter what or how I changed to adjust to their ever shifting rules, it was never enough to satisfy the rules, requirements and parameters of the dangling carrot of a "relationship."

My despair messed with my No Contact thinking, and quickly reverted back to how I usually interact with douchebags - I was going to ask if she needed help with her Christmas celebrations, favours, preparations, shopping, etc., thereby placing my need for no contact aside.

Somehow, I stopped myself. Why would she need my help, when she had endless financial resources, a golden child who lived in the house, and one of my biological parents who financed everything. I forced myself out of helper mode. That. Was. So. Difficult.

In response to the remission message, I wished the Step-Thing a happy and healthy holiday and said I was sure she was surrounded by plenty of friends and family to enjoy the holidays. Two days later, the Step-Thing write that it was spending a quiet Christmas with the spouse, Golden Child Lordon and Lordon's significant other. A total of 3 + Step-Thing ...

By the time it had responded with whom it was celebrating Christmas, I had thankfully reached a point of indifference. Thank goodness. But, I had to stop old thinking habits, to centre my thoughts, and respond to it, as one should respond to a distant friend - and not be baited into writing offerings, that would, in the end, hurt me.

I was able to keep it generic and uninteresting.

But, the Step-Thing closed with "I love you."


If it loved me ... it would not have continued abusing, projecting, slandering, etc., me. Writing a four lined FaceBook message with that closing line, after the Step-Thing worked very hard to erase me from my original family of origin ... is a mindfuck.

So I responded with one small icon - a heart emoticon. <3 p="">
And I deleted that "conversation" from my Facebook account, and made sure, on Facebook, the Step-Thing was buried inside my restricted list, and proceeded to add generic new posts with location tags of another country.

*Ding* - The Facebook alerts notified me that someone responded one of the generic posts - the Step-Thing wrote - "you're in [foreign country]? Enjoy!

I was 30 minutes away, and she wrote, that she believed I was out of the country.

That works for me. Thankfully her communication fizzled to nothing. She hasn't messaged me, to ask the usual questions, one would ask, if a family member was out of the country.

I'm okay now - it's Saturday December 26, 2015, and it's finished. The holiday season is finished and I got through it without seeing or speaking with anyone in my family, and it is wonderful. Facebook is contained to generic restrictions, with posts about reindeer movies, all of which have any comments or likes removed for privacy ...

I will be back in a few hours to write more, because ... I should have started writing at the onset of this crap ...  Is there anyone out there who had a Christmas experience that was narcissistic and yucky? I am betting there are a lot of stories ... sigh.

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